Who Am I?

Good Evening Everyone!

I hope you had a great day! I had a busy day including a good check up at the dentist. Score! I have been struggling in my head with the switching of my phentermine every other day. It's like I am setting myself up to fail. STUPID! Why do I do this to myself??? I feel great! I have done the work to get me where I am so why am I making this medicine out to be the winner here? I think I don't want to believe that I really did it even though I am very proud of myself. It could also be a hint of PMS starting as well...Oh Joy! Any who...I need to get my butt in gear and stop being so hard on myself. I also need to sit down and literally be a newbie at WW again! I need to plan out next week as if my life depended on it. Cross all of my T's and Dot my I's. More on this later...

If you are a new reader you are probably wondering Who the heck I am. Let me tell you a little about myself.

My name is Whitney. I was born November 1, 1982 (Yes, my 30th birthday is coming up :)) in Nowata, OK. I also have a brother, Dave, born 4 years later. We grew up in Southern Missouri until I was in 4th grade. My parents divorced and we moved in with my dad. He lived in St. Louis Missouri with his girlfriend and her 2 kids, Ashly (1986) & Derrick (1990). My dad married my step-mom and they had my half sister, Emma, in 1996. My mom also re-married and they had my half brother, Dylan, in 1997. (I hope I have all of my dates right or close to it).

I met my husband when I moved to Oakville during my Sophomore year of high school. We started dating in 1999. My dad and step-mom divorced during my Junior year. I still keep in touch with my step-mom and her family, they were apart of my life for so long it only seemed natural. My dad re-married after I graduated from High School. My mom re-married again August 2011.

My husband and I moved in together in May 2006. We married in June 2009. We had our son in April 2010. Life is Good!

Growing up I always felt bigger. My brothers (step & half too) & sisters (step & half too) were always so skinny, like skin and bone skinny. Some of my friends were smaller than me too. I guess I never really felt comfortable about my body after puberty started at age 13. I turned to food for everything. I was an emotional eater.

Through High School I felt skinny. I look back at the pictures now and yell at myself for ever thinking I was fat. I was 125-135 lbs in High School. After High School the weight crept up. Year by year I would buy bigger sizes. I was in such a state of denial that I just took it as I was growing and that was normal. I never saw it as a problem. Not until I turned 21. I was fast approaching the 14/16/18/20/22 sizes and I did little to stop it. I loved food. Food was there for me always and it tasted so good! No self control. No portion control. No clue I needed to stop at the point where my stomach felt like it was going to burst, literally. Exercise was pretty non-exhistant. I would exercise here and there but never enough to make a difference. I knew I was getting fat but did nothing to stop it.

I had lots of issues as I got heavier, mentally. I took medicine, it made me mean. I saw a councelor, she was not helpful. I had depression real bad and it got worse in the winter. I was in a bad state and let myself go completely. Pushed away friends and family. It's very hard to get them back too once they were pushed away for too long. I am so lucky to still have the friends I do today. I am also lucky to have my family stick with me through this. Most of all my husband. He should get a metal/award for putting up with my craziness for these past 13 years. I know he loves me though and I love him. I hope to be able to show him how much I appreciate him staying by my side through all of this some day. I also need to thank my good friend Bettina for supporting me. I always text her my weight loss and anything going on. She's been such a great friend and I'm glad to have her in my life. :) hugs (:

Of course when you are fat you don't want to believe it. You don't want to talk about it. Not until you are ready to make a change. It is so hard! Why do we do this to ourselves? It isn't fun and it does hurt. Aren't we hurt enough? Don't we deserve to live our life? Why not do something about it?

Sure it's easier to just sit on the couch and watch TV. Sure it's easier to go through drive through. Sure it's cheaper and easier to buy junk food (at times). But I had no idea what it was doing to my body. My body was reacting to the way I ate in several ways and I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Certain foods did not agree with me. I would get the worst stomach cramps, just as bad as menstral cramps, and have to run to the bathroom. NOT FUN!!! I also got anxiety attacks that also led to stomach cramps and trips to the bathroom. I would get shakey if I didn't eat...hypoglycemia or something my doctor once told me. Scary Stuff! My councelor told me I had PTSD (Post Tramatic Stress Disorder) from some of the things I shared with her. Why did I put myself through all of that? What did I gain from it? I know I never want to feel that way again or go through any of that again.

Over the summer something "clicked". Yes I have tried to lose weight. Many times. Yes I have stopped and returned to my old ways. But this time is different. I feel different. My mind is clear. Like a fog has been removed. I am determine to be 140 lbs. It will happen for me. I want to feel good about myself. I want to look in the mirror and say WOW look at that. My husband is so lucky to have me. hehehe. But Seriously I want to be healthy.

So here is my new journey...23 lbs down 65 more to go. Thank you for sharing this journey with me. I look forward to hearing from you and following you as well.

Good Night for now. :)